Welcome back to my diary series, starting 22nd
May 2017 up until today, Sunday 11th June.
In these diaries, I welcome you into my life and talk about
blogging, my health, my diet, exercise and life in general.
I can’t believe I’ve gotten so behind with these posts, you
would normally get a diary post each week but today you are getting three in
one. It’s been a challenging few weeks. With highs and lows in life and
blogging.
I’m not even sure how to write this one or where to start so
I’m just going to type and see what happens. I think the best posts are often
those where I just ramble and don’t change it too much once it’s written. It’s
more real, raw if you like. So here goes.
All Things Blog
Let’s start with my blog before moving onto the harder
subject of life.
Frankly I have let the blog slip.
I only started this blog on New Year’s Day this year and my
initial success was something I felt so proud of. It gave me a buzz, lifted my
spirits and motivated me in many areas of life.
My best blogging month so far was March, I published 14
posts and achieved 4,037 page views.
In May, I only published 6 posts and reached just 1,506 page
views. In June, so far, I have published no posts and have only had 133 page
views.
I am left feeling disappointed in myself and negative and
that initial buzz is now in a downward spiral.
So, what happened? My spirits dipped and I lost my
enthusiasm, the less I did the worse I felt and so it went on.
Well enough is enough. I love this blog and it does wonders
for my mental well-being. I made a success of it once and I will do it again. I
can’t promise I will be straight back to three posts a week but I will do my
best. I hope you will all continue to support me as wonderfully as you have so
far.
In more positive news I have been on BBC Radio Leicester
twice in this past three weeks! Once for the table talk slot on 22nd
May and again last Monday where I was invited to talk all about my blog. You
can hear the interview here.
Imagine that, little old Kelly being interviewed on the
radio about something she has created that interest’s others! I really am truly
proud of that.
Life
Let’s run through the fun stuff first. We had the school
holidays. We spent a day and night with my sister Claire and her family which
we always love. They live over an hour’s drive from us so we don’t get as much
time with them as we would like and so it’s always lovely when we do get together.
Me and Claire went to see Take That at their Sheffield concert. We always see
them whenever they tour, I have done since 1993 and Claire has been coming with
me since 1994. Mum and Dad decided she was too young in 93 much to her
annoyance! It was as always, a fantastic show.
We also spent a day of the holidays at Conkers. A family
attraction near us. I even did the bare foot walk, after my mud run I’m up for
more challenges. (insert laughing emoji)
On Friday this week, I spent the day with my best friend
Caroline who I have known since our University days.
Fun stuff aside it’s been a saddening and troubling few
weeks nationwide with the Manchester and London terror attacks and more
recently the election. I like most people was shaken by the news after each
attack. At first, I felt guilty for getting down about it as I wasn’t directly
affected yet how can we not let it get us down? It is so hard to watch, so very
sad and so hard to understand why it happens. It’s also so very frightening,
especially as I attended a concert so soon after the Manchester attack.
I take faith in the response of the emergency services yet I
also feel so sad that we now see such a high presence of armed police. When I
was 11 years old my family took me to America and I saw a policeman with a gun
for the first time, in fact it was the first gun I had ever seen at all. It
scared me and I have prayed ever since that our police wouldn’t ever need to
carry them. So, seeing so many armed police around has left me feeling
helpless, frustrated, saddened, disheartened and scared for the future. Don’t get
me wrong, I am grateful to the men and women who do that job, they are so brave
and amazing and I would be far more scared without them. It’s just what their
presence represents and where this situation may end that scares me. I’ve seen
more than one picture on social media of children posing with armed officers. I
guess maybe it makes the officers and their weapons less scary to the children
which is a good thing I just wouldn’t want to see my children and a gun in the
same photo.
I know we should carry on as normal and not let fear and
sadness over whelm us yet as a mother and as someone who suffers with anxiety
and gets low anyway it is hard to bounce back quickly.
Health
My CFS and associated symptoms over the past three weeks
have remained fairly constant, as they have done for months now, although I am
napping much more recently. Just this afternoon I slept for two hours having
slept for around 10 hours last night.
Over all though my symptoms are I would
say moderate for now.
My anxiety has been more present. Not necessarily triggered
by specific situations, I just general feel on edge much more often, rather now
you may feel on the morning of a driving test. I won’t go into too much detail
as I fear this post is already too long.
My depression has been worse than it has in a while. It’s
ironic as only weeks ago I was saying how well I was doing and even considering
coming off my medication. In hindsight, the signs have been present for a while
that my mental health was dipping, since Easter I would say. I just can’t or
won’t always see the signs at the time.
The first signs were my losing enthusiasm for things I would
normally get joy from such as writing my blog. It seeps in slowly and then I realise
I am achieving less and sleeping more. Not feeling accomplished only serves to
make me feel lower and less confident and so the downward spiral begins.
I think, in honesty (and this is hard to write) that the
Easter school holidays were one trigger. The holidays throw my routine and
allow me little or no time alone and I find that hard to cope with. Also, the
news recently as I said above has affected me. In addition, my employer has had
me under stress for months, and that is coming to a head. I don’t talk about
the situation with my employer as I am trying to be professional however it may
prove useful to share it as it is a burden to not do so and I think others
could benefit from me sharing my story.
Mainly though there often is no reason why I feel low on a particular
day and that is the worst feeling of all. If you’re sad people ask why. When
there is no why it feels very lonely.
I won’t go into the details here of how my depression
affects me as this post is long enough. I will soon though as it feels like it
is time and I think my blog is key to helping me get stronger again.
I did take a couple of pictures one day when I felt low. I am not saying you can see depression yet I also felt it time I shared pictures of myself in those times and not just the good as I don't want to only welcome you into the 'good' side of my life. It is all too easy to put on a smile and portray a perfect life and that is not what I want to do here.
Food
A quick update. I have now been a gluten free vegan for
three weeks. I am enjoying it so far and fining it easier than I had expected. I
share pictures and details of many of my meals on Instagram, here and Facebook,
here. So, follow me there is you are interested in that.
Exercise
I have attended two gym based physio sessions at the hospital
over the past three weeks and been out and done some light walking a few times
too. I think exercise is another way in which I can improve my mental and
physical health and I desperately need to get into a better routine with it.
Stress
I have mentioned in previous posts that the one area of life
I have yet to try and tackle is my stress. I have considered mindfulness but
never gotten around to it. Well fate has stepped in and a new mindfulness class
has just started in my village so I had no excuse and I have signed up to
attend next week.
Thank you for reading. Please come back soon.
Kelly x
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