Back in November I updated you on my life in general plus
then on my diet, CFS and anxiety. (I will link them all below.) I have spent
the last two months trying to find the courage to update you on my depression.
I have always been open on here about having depression I
just haven’t shared much about it. That is because I find it the hardest thing to
open up about and that is because it is the toughest and loneliest of my issues
to deal with.
I also frankly don’t understand my depression. I have
suffered on and off for over twenty years and, yet it remains a mystery to me
and I feel no better qualified to offer help, support or advice to other
sufferers than a non-sufferer would.
I will at some point post about my depression story. For today
I will concentrate on how I have been for the past few months.
My depression has always been biological (or chemical), as
opposed to situational. In other words, nothing need be wrong in my life for me
to suffer, it is simply the result of a chemical imbalance in my brain.
For the last few months of last year my depression symptoms
were present and I believe in this instance this was the result of a few factors.
The chemical element was in play as I had been on a new type of ant-depressant
for over a year and it had never suited me. Also, situationally I had been
under an immense amount of stress for two years. In addition to that I was also
trying to manage and come to terms with my CFS, although it had been two years
since my diagnosis I was still only just accepting it.
I was also struggling with increased anxiety and I could
tell I was going to crack completely if I wasn’t careful, so I asked the doctor
to change my medication. (I have zero faith in doctors but that could be a post
in itself!)
He explained I would have to stop the old pills (fluoxetine)
then have a week with no pills before then starting the new ones (citalopram.) I
knew citalopram suited me but also knew they always disrupt my sleep for around
six weeks initially. So, I knew I would be worse before I was better, especially
with the week of no pills.
The stressful situation seemed to be reaching a conclusion
so rather than risk making myself worse during it I battled on. But the
situation dragged on and on. In the end I felt no choice but to change the
pills.
Almost immediately after stopping the fluoxetine my anxiety
felt improved. This gave me a high and I decided (stupidly) to try to cope with
no pills at all. Unlike when I had stopped citalopram I found with fluoxetine I
got no nasty withdrawal symptoms and could just stop without weaning myself off
them.
After a few weeks my anxiety remained manageable, but my
mood was getting lower, so I started the citalopram. As expected my sleep was
badly disrupted and this in turn aggravated my CFS and lowered my mood, I find
not sleeping so demoralising.
I coped by once a week taking an over the counter sleeping
pill and once a week not taking the citalopram. This is all my own trial and error,
the doctor shows little if any support, sympathy or advice.
After 8 weeks I was sleeping again, and the stressful
situation had been concluded yet my mood was still very low, so I asked if I
could double my dose of citalopram.
That was around 8 weeks ago. My mood has greatly improved
however I am still not sleeping unless I miss a citalopram pill or take a
sleeping pill. I normally take my anti-depressant medication first thing in the
morning as this seems to disrupt my sleep marginally less. The other day I took
it at lunch time and only slept for two hours all night. I usually need at
least nine hours to function and manage my CFS.
It is frankly a nightmare finding a solution that suits all
my conditions! Yet I would always rather have good mood over the rest. As I am
not currently working I can rest enough to compensate for the lack of sleep and
thereby manage my CFS symptoms to a point. However, I achieve little and that
is becoming increasingly frustrating.
I just keep hoping I get used to the pills and my sleep
evens out soon. It usually does around this time but that is with the lower dose.
Anyway, not my most upbeat or entertaining post but I truly
hope this is relatable and helpful to fellow sufferers and maybe informative to
those who either don’t suffer or maybe considering a medication change themselves.
Feel free to get in touch through my social media if I can
help further.
Thank you for reading.
Kelly x
Previous Update Posts: CATCHING UP WITH KELLY
Kelly, I admire your courage to share your story with depression. I struggled with eating disorders for years, a story it took me a long time to share with others and eventually did through my blog this year. I also sometimes struggle with anxiety and depression but both are relatively mild, symptoms come and go and thankfully I've never taken medication. I hope you get better and find something that works for you and helps you!
ReplyDeleteKelly, bless you for sharing. Dont know if you have ever tried yoga and meditation to help with your conditions, its been an amazing journey for me. try too something called Yoga Nidra, which can help relax and aid sleep. xxxx Sending love and hugs to you Viv Nash Bristol :o)
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